Could it be a mere coincidence that the world headquarters for the Mars candy company is directly across the street from my doctor’s office? Seems like a conspiracy to me.
Yesterday I was driving back
from visiting my friend in Pennsylvania. While I was driving home I got a call
and a voice mail message from my doctor. I ignored the call until I pulled up
in front of my house. My doctor wanted to talk to me because the results of my
cholesterol blood test that I had earlier in the week had come in. The results
weren’t catastrophic, just not good. I was recently put on a statin drug yet
the numbers had not come down as low as the doctor hoped they would. So she
said I should address the issue with dietary vigilance.
She presumed that I ate a
healthy diet (because I told her so) and that I just needed to make sure I cut
out trans-fats, eat lots of veggies, and exercise regularly. Oh, yes, of
I really didn’t absorb much
of what she said because I was beginning to panic, thinking that she had some
sort of detection device that could tell her what was in my car. In my car at
the very moment I was attesting to a healthy diet were the purchases I made in
Pennsylvania. This included: (1) 600 pieces of Halloween candy purchased at the
Walmart in Gettysburg; (2) doughnuts purchased at the Amish Market on the way
to Lancaster, Pennsylvania; and (3) a large bag of great bargains from the Utz
potato chip factory outlet in Hanover, Pennsylvania.
Some of these healthy items
were consumed en route because there were annoying traffic issues. The worst was a
Mack truck on the beltway, backing up to pick up the pieces of scrap metal that
had fallen off the truck in the center lane of the beltway. This was only about
a mile from my exit so I was tired and frustrated and my ill-perceived remedy
was in the front seat of my car, just an arm’s reach from my mouth.
So as I spoke to my doctor,
confectioners’ sugar and bbq potato chip shards in my lap and Heath bar
wrappers on the floor, I knew that my rationalization would have been weak and she wouldn’t
I repent! I repent! So now I’m
heading for the gym to bike until I collapse in a feeble attempt to atone for my transgressions.
But I still think that I might develop some sort of valid theory that the Mars company has poisoned those of us who live near their headquarters and they have plans to install trans-fat detectors in our cars. I'm doomed as doomed can be.