Don't eat the meatloaf

You know I love Ina Garten, right? I think she can do no wrong. No, scratch that—I used to think she can do no wrong. Just thinking about this recipe is making me slightly nauseous. Just look at the photo and you’ll understand. It’s not my photo. It’s the photo that the Food Network used online. A professional food photographer took that photo. That’s the photo that is supposed to make you want to cook and eat this recipe? Yuck.

Last week the Barefoot Contessa (Ina Garten) came out with her latest cookbook, entitled Foolproof. But several weeks ago the Food Network’s print magazine tried to tantalize us by pre-releasing a recipe from the book. It is a recipe called 1770 House Meatloaf. This is not actually Ina Garten’s own recipe, but a recipe from a restaurant in East Hampton, a meatloaf that she loves so much she has eaten it there 2,000 times. (I might be exaggerating but she claims she orders it all the time.)

I felt like I was in with the in crowd because I was among the privileged few (insert “tens of thousands”) who had the recipe early so I could impress my friends and family. I bought the ingredients and didn’t skimp on quality. I got everything called for and followed the directions exactly. No ketchup, no version of anything tomato, no green bell pepper or croutons or Worcestershire sauce? It has celery in it and it calls for chicken broth and lots of garlic—that’s simply wrong. And it tastes gamey, like you really took part of a cow, a pig, and a veal animal and ground them up with some eggs and bread and made a huge 3-pound hunk of meat. This is your worst cafeteria food nightmare—bad food and a lot of it.

I suppose I’m in the camp that thinks meat should be disguised as something else. If it has enough lemon or barbeque sauce or mushroom Marbella covering it we can forget it was formerly a living animal with fur or feathers. The reason why I spent over a year as a vegetarian is beginning to come back to me. (Reminder to self—it may be vegetarian but it’s not considered good nutrition to eat just popcorn, pasta, and beer.)

Other people say they love this meatloaf. I read some of the reviews online. I’ve got 3 pounds of meatloaf I’ll be happy to send them. Euwww.