Oh joy, oh rapture

Does anyone know what time the rapture is supposed to come? It’s coming this weekend, don’t you know? Yep, some of the Christian fringe people, maybe the Branch Davidians (are there still Branch Davidians?) have calculated that the rapture is coming on May 21^st. We have only a couple of days to prepare. Apparently Jesus is coming to take the faithful up to heaven with him. To prove that I’m legit, that I’m really one of his people, I’m going to show him my Bible, the cross around my neck, and my collection of Guadalupe tchotchkes. (Do you know what I had to do to get this computer to get the right word in there, that tchotchkes word?) The Lord will descend on a fiery white steed to lead us into heaven.

I need to get some details straight though—don’t argue with me—time is of the essence. I need a ruling—please tell me Donald Trump is not getting in under the line. If The Donald wants to be included in the rapture he would have to do something pretty convincing because he has never impressed me as being a true follower of Jesus Christ. But lucky for him, the decision is God’s, not mine. Maybe he decided not to run for president because he knows about the rapture and now he hopes to get a higher post than president of the United States. All I know is that I’m going with Jesus.  Why am I even thinking about Donald Trump when I have so much to do in the next couple of days?

I have another question of a rather indelicate nature. Are all the saved dead people who died before the rapture being raised from the dead this weekend? Isn’t it going to get really strange with dead people rising from their graves? I imagine them like Jacob Marley, wrapped in burial clothes, clanking chains, body parts in various state of disrepair. It’s going to look like a zombie convention. Are the zombies going to be put on the same buses as the believers who are still alive? What a mess.

Since I am reasonably sure that through God’s grace I’ll be saved, I have other concerns. Like what are our flight arrangements? Is Jesus using a fleet of standard commercial carriers? Are they going to have bag limits? I’m going to be gone . . . umm . . . forever so I guess I need to bring most of my stuff. Will they have grocery stores in heaven or do we need to bring an eternity worth of toilet paper? Wait—maybe we won’t need toilet paper in heaven because of the perfect bliss promise.

But the bad news is really for the folks that get left behind. If you don’t believe in Jesus when he comes on May 21, you get left behind on Earth. Earth is not the place to be. The word on the streets is that this will be the final five months of the existence of the planet Earth. It will be a time of war and natural disaster. Tsunamis will wash away major cities. I actually saw a film of a tsunami gushing into New York, tearing through the Twin Towers. (Weren’t the Twin Towers already leveled on 9-ll? I’ve got some doubts about the authenticity of the video.)  Guerilla armies will be fighting but no one will know who the enemy is, kind of a Mad Max thing. At the end of the 5 months on earth, the unbelievers will rue the day they turned down Jesus’s offer to be part of the rapture. Tough luck, dudes, no second chance. You’re stuck in an exploding universe.

I shouldn’t admit to being so soft-hearted but it concerns me that non-believers will be left behind and I know a lot of those people. Doesn’t sound all that rapturous for all the participants. Maybe God will postpone it, give people a little more time. Still, I’m packing my bags just in case.