Since I removed the post, I suppose I need to include the original post here for the sake of clarity. Here’s what I wrote on May 13th under the title Hesitation:
As I begin to write, I hesitate. I hesitate because I’ve been told that most people won’t understand what I have experienced. They will think I’ve become some sort of religious nutcase and I’ll waste too much energy trying to explain—“throwing pearls before swine.”
But I also know that something real happened, I accept it, and realize that I may never be able to recapture the experience. Even though I can’t find words to adequately describe my experience, I know that it has changed me forever. I have had the incredible privilege of experiencing God’s presence, to my core I felt the power of the Holy Spirit, and I know that the story of redemption—that seemingly cockamamie story of God sending his son to earth to accomplish our salvation—is all true. Yes, I doubted before and probably I will doubt again. But having once felt it, I will carry that knowledge with me for the rest of my life.
I have been home from my retreat at the monastery for over a week. I have come far down from the mountain of peace and joy into the valley of a distracted daily life. I yearn for the closeness with God that I left behind. I don’t want to lose that feeling of joy and peace. I don’t want to forget that absolute certainty that God exists, that He sees me, He knows me, He listens to my prayer. The struggle is to figure out how to continue to grow closer to Him, to be inside the heart of God. I do not understand what God is and I know that the common personification of Him is not accurate—He is not a super-powerful man with a long beard, not the divine Wizard of Oz. My feeble mind does not have the ability to understand God. I don’t need theology and apologetics and intellectual reasoning to prove the existence of God. Now I know Him in my heart.
"Find God in interior stillness only once and your attitude toward silence and solitude will be changed. Find God in that silence a hundred times and silence will be your great love, solitude your dear friend because there you come face to face with the Lord your heart seeks.” From You Can Know God by Marilyn Gustin (hopefully quoted accurately because I wrote this quote in my little notebook and don’t have a hard copy of the book to verify it)
And here is the anonymous comment that I received from the reader:
“throwing pearls before swine.” ...
Interesting choice of words, I would say. Are we talking about the people who follow this blog? About those who read your posts searching for inspiration?
First, I apologize for any offense caused by my use of the phrase “throwing pearls before swine”—it is a phrase used in Scripture (specifically, Matthew 7:6). I used the term because that verse advises Christians to be wary about broadcasting the message of the Gospel to those who are not interested in hearing the message. The notes in my Bible on this verse say: “Believers are to be merciful, forgiving, and slow to judge, yet they should wisely discern the true character of people and not indefinitely continue proclaiming the gospel to those who adamantly reject it.” I should have paid more attention to the notes. Honestly, I just used the term without thinking it would offend my readers. I am truly sorry and should have heeded the warning to be wisely discerning. Sometimes words just get away from me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—I have found many ways to figuratively stick my foot in my mouth and I humbly regret my choice of words.
Secondly, I never presumed this blog to be a source of inspiration—I have no words of wisdom. I see myself as a woman without answers, someone with many of the same struggles as others. I’m a storyteller, processing many aspects of my life through writing and sometimes the process ends up here. Enough said.