Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I done good

The lights were out, the house was getting cold, and I was settling into my warm bed. I was beginning to fall asleep, thanking God for so many blessings. I thanked him for my children—a daughter and a son, now grown and both with children of their own. I thought about them, about all the times I worried about them and prayed, pleaded with God to keep them safe. I worried before they were born, I worried when they were babies, especially worried when they were teenagers and when they went to college. I worried about health issues, about their learning abilities and their psychological health. I worried about alcohol and drugs and “bad companions” and anything else that seemed even vaguely threatening. And I worried about whether I could really do it, could I be a good enough mother. There were times when I failed. But last night in my cold, dark room, as I was talking to God, I realized that it had happened. My kids have grown up, they are doing well, raising their own beautiful families. Of course I had realized it before but the reality had never quite hit me the same as it did then. I sat up in bed and said to God, “I done good!”

I love my children more than words can express and I am so proud of them. I still pray that God keeps them safe and now I’ve added my precious grandchildren to the mix. Thank you, Lord, for so many blessings.

What if I had never had children? What if my children became jihadists or ran away and became mimes? (No disrespect for mimes but it would creep me out.) I know a number of women, both young and beyond childbearing age, who wanted children but were never able to have them and I've heard them speak of their heartache. I can't begin to imagine. I know women who have had children who have been huge disappointments, despite seemingly good parenting. I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort for these women. I hope they can find some peace, some way of accepting God’s plan for their lives. Every day I struggle with that acceptance, trying to find peace knowing that things didn’t work out in my life according to my plan. No one gets exactly the life they expected. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s worse, most of the time it’s much different. Whether they have children or not, I hope that they can find something that fills their life, something that one day lets them say, “I done good.”

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