Monday, May 26, 2014

Prodigal daughter

I’ve got a headache. Not a respectable headache worthy of particular note or drama. It’s not pounding. I’m not holding my temples, writhing in pain, or buried beneath my sheets to avoid the light. It’s just a boring headache that feels like the inside of my head is stuffed with dirty diapers.

It has been a really quiet day. I never left the house, didn’t listen to music, and haven’t spoken to a single person all day. I’ve just spent the day inside my head with the dirty diapers.

This is my cry for help. Lord, I hope you’re listening. Things are difficult in my life right now, yet at the same time I’m feeling particularly far away from God. He hasn’t gone anywhere—He’s right where He always is, door open—but I simply haven’t bothered to stay in communication with Him. And now the guilt is getting worse—not just because I’ve been distant from God but because I’m a sinner, not a nice person, unworthy of the love and esteem of anyone, including my Creator. I’ve got this feeling of doom, expecting God to rain down some sort of punishment on me.

So, here I am, the prodigal daughter, begging for His mercy, asking Him to show me how to bridge the gulf between us. I’m scratching feebly at His door, without even the audacity to pound boldly. My well is dry. I don’t have the energy to shout so I just whine.

“Lord, it’s me. Here I am again. I’m sorry I'm such a shit. I miss you. Please let me in.”

Times like this make me yearn for a strong connection to Him. I need to feel His presence in my life. I am brought low to feel my indebtedness, to understand His unending forgiveness, that pure grace.

If I just ask, He will make me new again. My heavenly father will welcome me home again and again. It has not been a good season for my growth in faith. I have faltered and all the troubles of an ordinary life seem to be magnified when I’m not walking in faith.

And today I read in 2 Corinthians 1 that God will still deliver us. It was the word “still” that jumped out at me. No matter how many times I falter and fail, no matter how many times I wander away from Him, He will still be there to welcome me back with open arms, with no recrimination.

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